“Did you know that most people just live, with no reason for living?”
These words of Dr. Parker’s stuck out to me greatly. For most of my life, I felt this way. I have grown up in a happy, upper middle class family with two loving parents, two comical younger brothers, and a family dog. We went to church every Sunday; my father lead worship, and mother and I worked in the nursery. We had a lake house. I drove a BMW and always had new clothes. To the outside world, I had everything I could ever want and more. That’s part of my problem – I did. I was so beyond blessed, and yet I remained unhappy. I did not understand my own emotions, which proved to be an extremely scary time for me. I was secretly locked away in my own little world, where I constantly pondered my purpose and the meaning of life. I spent years feeling worthless, crying on the floor of my shower, wondering if life was worth living.
I spiraled. The girl who “had it all” to everyone around her, was dealing with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, anorexia, and even self harm. I did not known my own worth, so I looked for it in other people. In a room full of people who loved me, I would feel alienated and alone. I ended up constantly fighting with my family and putting myself in a lot of situations that I should not have been in. I was living my whole life feeling as though I had no real reason for living it, and this proved to be the most destructive time of my life. My whole life, I had been taught about God, His word, and about having a relationship with Him. I knew that God was real, but I somehow still felt as if I did not have what it took to have a real relationship with him. I felt as if I were even unworthy to Him, which is the complete opposite of His love. I had already been forgiven.
Finally, at the age of 17, I admitted I had a problem. That was the first step to healing. I got down on my knees and prayed to God repeatedly that He would heal me. One of Dr. Parker’s quotes reads “There is no situation that is beyond the reach of faith”, and I can easily attest to this. Without finding faith in God, I would not be here. I found my hope in Him, after being lost for so long. He forgives you when you can’t forgive yourself. It was only one year and two months ago that I last self harmed, I last felt pity for myself, and I last felt hopeless; I picked myself up from the bathroom floor and went to my Bible. God did not say that your path would be easy, but know that it is worth it. I still have plenty of hard moments where I want to fall back into my old habits to cope with things going on around me. However, I always have to tell myself that I find my worth in Him, I am forgiven by Him, and I am loved by Him. Through God, purpose is found.